you've left me to do all this fucking digging. this is ridiculous. you are ridiculous.


other news. This break was awesome. I've never watched so much effing tv in my life, specifically The Office. Didn't really get anything for xmas because we have no money so I ordered it all with my own. I've been getting something new in the mail every day for the past 4 days. Other crazy stuff happened on new years, what the fuck was all that? I don't think anything actually happens. I feel like I'm above my head and my hands and mouth. I stare off into space a lot, I think a lot.

I never do new years resolutions,so here are some:
- be less vague
- find a way to unblock everything


This new school is lovelyish. I sometimes with the bus ride was longer, but only one way. ...That's not possible. That's my favorite way to listen to music- in a moving vehicle.
I procrastinate less, take fewer sick days. I feel a little better in general.

There's no way the new year can be as bad as any of the last 3.

To copy from someone else- things I'm glad I did this ['09] year:
- left MSMA
- had a really awesome friend for a while
- had crazy periods of depression, which is at least something different than being constantly... whatever this is.
- finding out my personality type [INTP]. People like me only make up 1-2% of the population, what theee fuck.
- started watching the office and my name is earl. they come on back to back. AN HOUR OF JOY. haaah.
- found a good way to eat
- read a lot of books
- bought julian casablancas tickets [jan. 14th!]
- FOUND ZE STROKES. that was at the begining of the year, almost forgot.
- decided to keep a diary that I write in erratically

end.

^the problems of association.

this is all very boring, what's coming up:

hi. lolol smalls. anyway, I'm glad I'm leaving. I feel like there's no pressure about anything right now. There is, [cleaning, moving, finance things, friends, general rules] but I don't feel it. that's not really good, but whatever. I'm thinking about a lot of possibilities at the moment that will probably leave me totally screwed [!] once I get out of college [which is still a longish time away]. am I supposed to be looking at universities right now or something? I guess my priorities are out of order. it's okay.

I think I'm getting carpal tunnel! [< not a big revelation]. you know what was scary? my 16th birthday when we went to ny. it was deer-in-the-headlights bad, full of anxiety weirdness. [I need some outside opinions. ...erin?]

now that it's summer, i've been having ridiculously long dreams. they're all really interesting too, at least to me. people i know are showing up consantly. that's new. it didn't happen much before... the only time i remember any significant people-i-know cameos in my dreams were during freshman year when my middle school friends started showing up in dream gyms and things. it was pretty obvious that I missed them, but it's not like I'm friends with them now. [so what was the point of this?]

who the hell writes journals after 4am? [ME]

i haven't gone swimming at all this summer. i barely went last summer too. [count: three times. once on july 4th [that was fun], twice as a workout at godawful running camp] argh i love swimming. I just wish I knew more people with pools.

there are a lot of people I wish I knew better. I guess they'll never find out though. because I'm maybe too introverted? [dumb reason.]

the thing i miss most about my old laptop are by bookmarks. i can't put them on this one [for reasons]. i miss easy access to weird various blogs about strippers and being an illustrator and feminism :<

this is a long, terrible journal.

the noonday demon is a tedious book to me.

fruits basket finished its run in the US this month. it feels like the end of an era or something because i've been reading it for 5 or 6 years. well, it did for a little while. the feeling's worn off.

i'm having trouble thinking of what to buy as a big purchase this summer. prescription aviators? teen titans the complete series on dvd? a crapload of clothes? i know i want some serenity rose merch and some derek kirk kim stuff [books]. how much are concert tickets usually? juju's finally putting out a solo album~~~ woo

thank god all the sweet 16 parties are over. and all of the cousins i'm close to are dudes so i'm safe. regular dancing sucks.

SURVEYS ARE EASIER THAN FEELINGS
Blueberry muffins are easier than corn muffins.

Have you ever...

1. Made out for more than 3 minutes?
no.

2. Slept in a different bed?
of course

3. Made out in a movie theatre?
nooo. i barely go to the movies anyway.

4. Made out with 2 different people in one night?
nope

5. Thought your cousin was hot?
haaaah no. [oh gawd. STROKES FUNFACT: Julian's first kiss was his cousin! hey-o]

6. Been in love?
that depends

7. Slept past noon?
of course!

8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?
not really

9. Gone over the speed limit?
no

10. Painted your room?
my walls are so covered in stickers. let's not even try.

11. Drove a car?
yup

12. Danced in front of your mirror?
occasionally, but i just feel so regretful afterwards.

13. Gotten a hickey?
yup

14. Been dumped?
nozies

15. Stole money from a friend?
uhhh? possibly, yeah

16. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
yes! people i've never met, even

17. Been in a fist fight?
no, and it's bad that i want to be! unrealistic.

18. Snuck out of your house?
a couple times, but i didn't go anywhere

19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
sure

20. Been arrested?
no

21. Made out with a stranger?
nope

22. Left your house with out telling your parents?
of course~

23. Had a crush on your neighbor?
HAHAHA NO.

24. Ditched school to do something more fun?
like sleeping? almost every week!

25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex?
woohoo! i mean, yes.

26. Seen someone die?
no

27. Been on a plane?
yes

28. Kissed a picture?
don't think so, it sounds...

29. Slept in the opposite sex's bed?
yeah

30. Love someone or miss someone right now?
that's a big 'eh.'

31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
surezies

32. Made a snow angel?
yup

33. Played dress up?
yeah! i have a lot of dress up clothes, actually

34. Cheated while playing a game?
yeah. all the time, in fact!

35. Been lonely?
not at the moment, that's okay

36. Fallen asleep at work/school?
very often

37. Been to a club?
no

38. Felt an earthquake?
no!

39. Touched a snake?
I TOUCHED A SNAKE AND I LIKED IT
i really have! it was huge and i had to support it on my shoulders. it was a yellow anaconda.

40. Ran a red light?
nope

41. Been suspended from school?
nope

42. Had detention?
a few times

43. Been in a car?
yes. it's nice.

44. Hated the way you look?
who hasn't?

45. Witnessed a crime?
again, who hasn't?
YOU STOP THAT JAYWALKING MISTER

46. Been lost?
haaahaha yes

47. Been to the opposite side of the country?
no

48. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
yeah

49. Cried yourself to sleep?
not sure, let's think back to some of these magical times

50. Sang karaoke?
yeah, but i hate it

51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
yeah. all the time!

52. Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
YES. choking is fun and easy!

53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
yes

54. Kissed in the rain?
nope

55. Sung in the shower?
sometimes

56. Had a dream that you married someone?
no!

57. Played getting married?
don't think so

58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?
no, but now i want to watch a christmas story. <66

59. Ever gone to school partially nude?
why would i.

60. Been on a blind date?
nooo

61. Sat on a roof top?
yeah!

62. Didn't take a shower for a week?
almost, when i cut open my head. i had blood in my hair for a couple days there.

63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
i hatehate scary movies. i'll watch them with others though, i guess.

64. Played chicken?
in a pool, yeah

65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
a lot

66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
yeah! it was kind of creepy!

67. Broken a bone?
no

68. Been easily amused?
sure

69. Laugh so hard you cry?
this happens a lot.

70. Cheated on a test?
yup

71. Forgotten someone's name?
hahahaha yes. SO AWKWARD.

72. Blacked out from drinking?
nope

73. Played a prank on someone?
yeah! they work to varying degrees

74. Gone to a late night movie?
pirates of the caribbean 2. SO. GOOD. Not sure I like it any more though.

75. Made love to anything not human?
i'm sure i've tried

76. Failed a class?
no

77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat?
ehehehe. no.

78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
no. that's pretty driven and/or single-minded, depending on your viewpoint.

79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
nah

80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
I LOVE 4TH OF JULY. ahem.

81. Thrown strange objects?
sure! mostly at erin, sometimes at doors

82. Felt like someone else?
i thouht this said "Felt like a chair?"
I have no answer

83. Thought about running away?
no

84. Ran away?
no

85. Had detention and not attend it?
yeah, i forgot about it. the teacher was pissed lolol

86. Made parents cry?
AGH.

87. Cried over someone?
um? not really. it depends.

88. Owned more than 5 sharpies?
no

89. Dated someone more than once?
no

90. Have a dog?
no. shrimp, yes.

91. Own an instrument?
yes

92. Been in a band?
no, thank god

93. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
HAHA WHAT. NO.

94. Broken a cd?
no, but yes to the case

95. Shot a gun?
an empty one

96. Been on facebook for more than 5 hours?
cumulatively

97. Fell asleep at the computer?
semi-sleep, yeah

98. Have a major crush on someone right now?
nope

99. Have a religion?
---

100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral?
"what the fuck are we doing here"

This is a placeholding journal. The other one was sad.

status: really conflicted.

took a day off school to figure things out, but it's becoming a pattern, so i won't do it much anymore. all i got from this is a lot of extra work. [too much. way too much]. i can't go through a full week. i can't concentrate. i'm overworked. people are beating themselves up over not getting straight A's. there are like 3 reasons i'm staying, and none of them are any good.

results: more than a few zombie friendships with creepy box-people that i don't care about. dysthymia. lonliness. no time to myself.

i hate the winter.
this is an emo fucking journal.




happy chinese new year.